Ray of Sunshine

Being a new mom is by far the hardest thing I've ever done…

First of all there is really really bad sleep deprivation. I've always been a light sleeper and am only able to sleep at night. In my pre-kids days, I spend a couple of hours watching tv or reading books at night, then take a warm shower, relax and then fall into an 8 hour long sleep. I can be woken up by the slightest noise. When we brought baby home, she slept in the bassinet in our bedroom and I found that I was not able to sleep at all. Babies make noise in their sleep and there's no tell of when they are going to wake up to demand our attention. I was always stressed out, trying to listen to any sound that she made and afraid that she would wake up as soon as I started to make an effort to put myself to sleep. I went for weeks with only a couple of hours of sleep a day. It felt like constant jetlagging. I was dizzy and drowsy all day long but at the same time insomniac. It was like hell. In the last few days, we moved baby to her own room with baby monitor turned on. And I'm learning to trust that she's going to be okay if I fall asleep for a few hours. I'm starting to sleep a little more. But every day is still a new unknown: if she decides to scream for a couple of hours at mid night or not go back to sleep after a late night feeding, then I know it will be a sleepless night for me again.

I thought maternity leave would be a great opportunity to spend some time away from work and enjoy my mom's company again (she's here to help out for a few months). But right now I miss work badly. At work I always felt energized, capable, respected and often at the end of the day a sense of achievement. Being at home as a new mother means spending 24x7 with someone who's 20 years away from making intelligent conversation. Changing diapers, feeding and burping all day gets boring very quickly. A day passes really quickly with me just busying around the baby and when night falls I feel like I haven't achieved anything or done anything memorable. 

I always assumed that mother-baby bond comes naturally and I should fall in love with her at first sight. In reality, I'm still learning to love her bit by bit. I do feel responsible for her and want to protect her and nurture her. But every once a while I get tired of being a mom, I miss my pre-baby life and I have the need to spend time away from her.

Motherhood is not at all the romantic, warm fuzzy picture that people often paint. It's really really hard and takes more patience, persistence and optimism than I've ever had. Frankly I'm still struggling to play my new role. Hopefully with Joey's help, I will get there some day.

Dear Joey, 

Mommy wanted to write this for your one month milestone. But with all the demands you've put on me, I had to procrastinate till now.

Let's go back to the beginning. I had you in my tummy for so long that I almost didn't believe it would end. You've probably grown to know that mommy is very impatient. So I always assumed that you would be late. But you came almost just on time.

Do you remember the night that you arrived? After I pushed for an hour, your heart rate suddenly went up to 180. Doctor came in and told me that 3 more pushes, if you still didn't come out then off we go to operation room for a c-section. Apparently that was all the motivation that we needed. At the 3rd push, you arrived in this world.

Joey, I have to be honest with you. I didn't fall in love with you at first sight. When you were first put in my arms just a couple of minutes after you were born, I was still recovering from the shock of giving birth. I thought you were kind of heavy (like gosh, I can't believe I carried something so heavy in my tummy) and didn't smell good (well, it was before your first bath). I also looked at you and wondered why you put me through so much pain and suffering - why you got so stressed out and almost made me have a c-section. Minutes later after you've had a bath and I've had some food (for the first time in 12 hours), you were put in my arms again and I fed you for the first time. You latched on and started sucking immediately - that's when I fell in love with you.

After you were bathed, weight, fed etc, it was time for us to both rest for a little. But you wouldn't stop crying - nurses told me that you weren't used to the outside world and hadn't figured out how to sleep outside my uterus. So I laid you on my chest and wrapped us both in a big blanket. You immediately calmed down and fell asleep. I was rather proud and how I wish this would always be true: when I wrap my arms around you, all your problems will go away. But Joey I know I can't always be your safety harbor. It's a big world out there and you will need to learn to face it on your own. As much as I love you, I will need  to let you choose your own directions, make your own decisions. I will need to remind myself to step aside and allow you to make mistakes and recover from them yourselves - and do this early so that I can still comfort you when you are most hurt.

You must be curious  how we picked your name. There was no searching or debating at all because I've always wanted to call my daughter Joey (and it's so kind of your dad to let me have my way). You are named Josephine  after my favorite fictional woman - Jo March from Little Women. She has so many of the traits that I want to see in my little girl: compassionate, courageous, positive, transcending above stereotypes and materialistic desires…… I nick named you Joey because of its Australianess - in Australia (where I call home) it means a baby kangaroo. Okay, then there is also Dawson's Creek - when you grow up you will probably laugh at my taste for tv shows. Nevertheless it's a series that accompanied me from a teenager to a young adult and holds a special place in my heart. The main female character in it is called also called Joey. 

 
There are always things that parents will hope for their children. Joey, here are my top ones for you:
1. Good health, stay active. Without this, nothing else is possible.
2. Be a kind person. Treat people with compassion. In short, don't be evil.
3. Be positive and use your optimism to influence those around you.
4. Don't always take the easiest path. Take on challenges, take calculated risks. Live life to the fullest.
5. Okay, here comes the really selfish one: Be good to your parents :)

I tend to be a competitive person. But I promise I will not compare you with others, will not push you against your will. All I will do is to love you for who you are, support you and be your best cheer leader.  

Okay, now your sleep deprived mom needs some rest.

Love,
Mommy